Rachel's Dating Rules and Gettting Past the CRITICAL Second Date
was always a challenge for me. I often found myself thinking "Another one bites the dust" and that left me feeling that the dating wilderness, dating pool, dating fish pond -call it what you will - is so tough, and finding Mr.Right almost impossible. Dating past the SECOND DATE often ELUDED ME. It left me cold and not wanting to even look for a suitable match.
The Non-Negotiables of Dating came into play, when I had two dates with Mr.PropertyInvestor. There are several Non-Negotiables which may or may not apply. Depending on the guy you are looking at.
Rachel's Dating Rule's - you are on a dating site to MEET A SUITABLE MATCH, MATE LIFE PARTNER. Not to make new friends.
This is such a bore. Really. A BORE. No-one worth their self-respect is on a dating site to meet new friends.
HOW DESPERATE. This is something people use AS AN EXCUSE.
With this in mind, I have enough friends and would never date a guy just to be "friends".
I wish to meet MR.Right and as everyone knows, it takes a lot of COURAGE to PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE in the DATING POND, when all you want to do is stay in and watch a movie with my rice cakes and sugar-free jelly.
I practise what Patti Stanger Global Dating Guru says to do "GO OUT ON DATES and DO NOT EXPECT MR.RIGHT to JUMP DOWN THE TV WIRES. IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN." She is so right and I have her VOICE IN MY HEAD on the weekends when I am sitting at home watching a movie or E! CHANNEL news.
I had to LEARN TO BE BOTHERED ABOUT BEING SINGLE because I was OKAY with it. Happy. No responsibility to emotionally responsible for a guy. Just myself. I had learned from the past toxic relationship, how to be more SELFISH. Look after myself FIRST as I had ALWAYS PUT OTHERS BEFORE ME. Not anymore. I LOVE IT.
Patti Stanger met her new man ONLINE ON Pof, Plenty of Fish. I thought that if Patti can go online to meet MR.Right then so can I .
I LOVE Patti Stanger, and she has successfully matched a lot of couples. Her dating rules and advice are BRUTAL.
In fact back in my 2012 relationship, when the TOXIC-EX FROM HELL Mr.BusinessmanEgo knew how much I admire and LOVE Patti Stanger, he hit the roof and tried to persuade me that her PUBLISHED BEST SELLER WORDS OF WISDOM were all a waste of time.
When I gave my interview "I DATE BY THE RULES" on how I read the book and follow its advice. It works and did work that is how I met the Mr.BusinessmanEgo back in 2011 and by January 2012, we were living together. Some people are STUPID. Mr.Businessman Ego could NOT SEE that thanks to my Dating Rules, I WOULD NOT HAVE MET NOR BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM.
And thanks to The Rules I FREED MYSELF OUT from this TOXIC relationship as we have seen in Chapter One.
Rachel's Rules When Dating Mr.PropertyInvestor
I met Mr.PropertyInvestor on TINDER dating site thanks to my best friend SS who told me to go on it.
It was a break-through for my dating life as I AGREED TO PUT A PHOTO on TINDER. I had always avoided like the plague putting photos on a dating site as the last time I did it it felt WIERD. Way back in 2010 I posted photos online and was put off with the silly amount of attention and I hated it.
The idea of random men looking at my headshot made me feel ill, I did not at all like it. My work means I am in the pubic domain and with so much out there on me on the web, I just wanted my dating profile not to be part of my web prescence.
Within fifteen minutes of being on TINDER I received a message in my inbox from a handsome distinguished sporty looking man whom I had liked.
It was a MATCH. Thank you Tinder YAY! I AM ACTUALLY TALKING TO SOME GUY SO QUICKLY.
That same night - it was a Saturday nite, and I was chillaxing at home, Mr.PropertyInvestor rang me, he had asked for my number, It was late and we chatted until midnight, which was a phone call that lasted a good half hour.
The next day Mr.PropertyInvestor text me throughout the day, to say he was thinking of me,
That night Day 2 of texting he asked me on a date.
That Wednesday night we went on our First Date. The following Saturday we went on our Second Date.
As stated in my youtube VIDEO below, IT DID NOT GO AS PLANNED but we definately liked each other. On some level. I was yet to understand what level that was. A First Date is often TOO EARLY to KNOW.
As the First Kiss happened that night, IT FELT NICE. I did not feel any sparks ignite into fireworks.
I was not sure I would see him again, but he was super-keen and told me he wanted to see me again.
DANGLING THE CARROTS -BEWARE.
A few times in phone conversations he would joke, "So when are you booking the the HONEYMOON?" I did not like this. It was the Player -type of behaviour of DANGLING THE CARROT to make you have a FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY that you would become a COUPLE AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
And HE DID IT AGAIN. He peppered his conversation with "IF WE LIVED TOGETHER I would come home...blah blah..."
I looked down at my food, and kept my eyeline on the CHICKEN. I avoided his intense staring hard gaze. I stabbed my chunk of chicken HARD WITH THE FORK and put it in my mouth. I was chewing my food, so I did not have to talk. I chewed for ages. I mean to the point that I chewed that piece of chicken so hard and good that I would win a competition with a grazing cow for the number of times my jaw moved.
I did not speak. I wanted to LISTEN. And let him SHOW ME WHO HE WAS. It was one of Patti Stangers's Rules. I followed it all the time and it worked. It worked so well in fact, that by remaining SILENT it gave me time TO PROCESS his words and decide I had had enough. The date was about to come to an ABRUPT END.
How To Identify A Bullshitter
I am NOT TAKEN IN THIS IS BS. My body language shriked away from him, and I excused myself to go to the toilet, where I proceeded to take about two hundred and fifty SELFIES. I pouted and preened in the toilet lighting which was very good for a selfie. Damn! I LOOKED GOOD. I was BORED and I just needed MY SPACE from this guy, who was starting to irritate me. I am a smart cookie at the best of times and did he REALLY think I would BELIEVE THIS bullshit. Pur-Lease! I centred myself took some deep breaths, after taking some good -very good selfies for twitter and my Date Nite Outfit YouTube video I had filmed for my followers earlier that evening BEFORE going out on the date.
I have read most of the dating books OUT THERE and they do help me identify a bullshitter.
What dating books do - is to IMPRINT RULES OF DATING in you head UNTIL it becomes BIBLE. Then you have a better instinct to protect yourself from time-wasters.
I decided that TEN MINUTES in the toilet, would look rather odd. He may have thought she is constipated or something. I did not really care. You only care when you really like or fancy a guy. But I had a quick pee and 9 minutes of the ten were taking selfies. I was not going to TELL HIM this though. I was about to tell a polite un-truth. OKAY it was a lie, but to protect his ego.
As I walked back out of the toilet , down the staircase onto the restaurant floor, I saw him in the distance STANDNG UPHOLDNG MY COAT ceremoniously. All very gentlemanly. His facial expression was that of a person whom had been corrected or told off.
As I swanned back to the table, I did the little finger and thumb thingy -like a phone to the ear and mouthed "SO-REEE" then very loudly told him
"I had to call my son apologies for taking SOOOO LONG!"
He got the message, I could see by his facial expression he KNEW he had been PUT INTO HIS PLACE. Even though I had done it ever so politely. I think it was starting to dawn on him and register that I could SEE THROUGH HIS BULLSHIT.
I thanked the bar staff over my shoulder and we walked outside into the cold night. He leaned in for a hug. I noticed he was quite petite, for a guy and I kind of made a mental note of this physical point. His hugs were like hugging a child. Sweet and cute but not sexy. I tried not to judge and dismissed it as a trivial thing at the time.
We Went Our Separate Ways that night.
"My car is that way and the train station is this way" I said, pointing right to left and then to the right. I had to tell him which direction to walk back to the train station as he was not a local. I did not want him to walk me back to my car. That would have been like inviting him to kiss me. No. I was not keen.
"Bye then - thank you for a nice evening ( I was being polite) hope you get home safe, let me know. Bye-ee" and I walked to the right. He walked left. I did think walking back to my car that I was not sure I would see him again. I got into my Beetle car and rang my friend SS whom I always told when I was going out, For safety. I liked to look after my OWN SECURITY and dated safely wth at least two people, one family, one friend-who ALWAYS KNEW where I was, the location, the bar -whatever- and whom I was on a date with. I would text them a photo ID of the guy sometimes if I was not sure.
Rachel's Dating Rules protect me from the wolves (who come in many disguises believe me), the losers and the bullshitters. I am too switched on for them to notice that I HAVE NOTICED. This Blonde is no bimbo. And as Marilyn Munroe said - it takes a lot of intelligence to PLAY THE DUMB BLONDE.I may give the impression that I have not noticed a guys stupid behaviour, but they are too self-absorbed in their own bullshit to even notice. Funny that.
And twice I recall on the First Date and the Second Date how Mr.PropertyInvestor used the words " If we were living together...."
I would cringe inside and feel myself PULLING AWAY FROM HIM. PULLING AWAY FROM LIKING HIM. PULLING AWAY FROM RESPECTING HIM.
The SECOND DATE
We met in a kent country village quaint little high street which was not far from my local area and he had insisted on "coming over to you". I was often aware that when a guy you are dating insisits on driving a long way to your neighbourhood, there is always the POSSIBILITY that he THINKS HE IS GETTING his leg over. NOT WITH ME. On the first few dates I actually prefer to meet half way. It says to the guy "you are not easy, not available to "hook up" or get jiggy with it. Sex on the first few dates is a big no-no for me. I broke up with Mr.VIP Security after FOUR MONTHS of dating him, and we had not even been intimate. It's no big deal for me to wait unitl I AM READY.
So the Second Date with Mr.PropertyInvestor went like this.
We met at 8.30pm at a pub as the initial meeting point. I knew the security on the door would be there. We spent fifteen minutes there or so maybe it was a half hour chatting. I had a diet pepsi which I HATED but sipped on and did not drink. I drink diet coke when out. The pub did not serve it. Then the noise got so loud we could nto hear each other speak so we went to Cafe Rouge. In there it was half empty. But they could not give us a table.The waiter explained that a table of ten was due in and the chefs would not be able to cope. What?
We left and went to ZIZZI restaurant. We got a table. We chatted. And chatted. Mr.PropertyInvestor an hour later noticed our food had not been served. We had the garlic thin bread to nubble on. I had not even noticed as the convesation was intelligent.
Cut a long story short, we left the restaurant without eating dinner as the waitress told us "The Chef's did not get the ticket order. For some reason. Sorry about that". We made a few polite noises and I told her no problem we have to go thank you blah blah.
The evening was not going well really but the conversation was good. He asked me
" so where can we go now?"
I told him "we can go across the road back to the noisy pub, I will have some tea".
I did not like the question. It seemed he was kind of maybe hoping I would give in and say LETS GO TO MY PLACE!"
That was NOT going to happen. Men chance their arm all the time. but I get bored of the guy if he plays it this way. Mentally my head is already saying "next!" with a BIG exclamation mark next to it.
We walked along the pond for five minutes before going back into the loud, noisy pub. At least the pub would be less busy and we would get a sofa seat near the log fire maybe.
The Second Date Was Crumbling Before Our Eyes and I was subsequently DENIED MY SATURDAY NITE CHEAT MEAL.
I was getting tired as for the last two hours we had tried to get served food TWICE usuccessfully and even though he said he was "OKAY WITH IT" which I thought was wierd. We could have gone onto another place to eat, but he insited that he did not need to eat so I pretended I was not hungry. Just so he DID NOT FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE that OUR Saturday Nite date was crumbling before our eyes.
Since I had not eaten MY CARB-DEPLETED BRAIN WAS TURNING INTO MUSH. I was just wanting to go home and put my PJ's on, and eat my two rice cakes and 6 egg-whites-two yolks. That was often one of my last before bedtime meals on diet prep. A protein bar or shake was not enough, since I had missed critical MEAL 5 of the day. It was supposed to be my CHEAT MEAL treat. I was disappointed it did not happemn as every athlete tells you its a special treat a Saturday Night cheat meal.
Ah well I thought not to make a big deal of it.
At the pub, it was getting on for 11pm. I hardly go out, let alone stay out late, and felt my eyes getting sore and gritty. I forgot my Dior specs, which would have helped.
THE KISS IN THE PUB GAVE ME ALARM BELLS
We sat on the sofa the fire was not on, he went to the bar and came back with not tea, but an orange juice. I looked down and am making a mental note that THREE times that evening we had been given the knock-back effectively. The Universe was not giving me signs that this was going well. This SECOND DATE was a DISASTER but I NEVER LET HIM KNOW THAT. politeness is always your best option and even defence.
I graciously told him, not to worry, that I had a fun evening in his company. He started to get closer, shifted up to sit close to me. He leaned for a hug after just five minutes of chat. He sat so close, STARING at my lips. It made me giggle. I COULD FEEL HIM WANTING ME, DESIRING ME BUT I WAS NOT ABLE TO RECIPROCATE. I got nervous and he planted a kiss on my MAC barbie pink lip-glossy lips. It was a nice kiss. I did not feel a spark. THe kiss did not give me goosebumps nor ignite any fireworks of desire. THose important feelings which give you the KNOWLEDGE that you just HAVE TO see the guy again.
TOO HEATED KISS
I told him after the second time he leaned in for a kiss, that it was getting bit too heated for me and said it was time to go. I had felt him getting heated, not me, and felt HIS HANDS try to PAW AT MY CHEST.I was too quick for him. I shot my hand up to push his hand away, which I managed no problem, stop him caressing my chest. It was not appropriate nor was I at all impressed. An alarm bell sounded off in my head. It was not a good sign. I felt cheap. We were IN A PUB for gods sake! I hardly knew him.
I said it was time to go. We walked out of the pub and a few younger guys looked at me then stared at him. I looked at Mr.PropertyInvestor and he looked like he enjoyed the attention. He had told me he on a previous phone call that he "was not a jealous type".
ARE THEY TOGETHER?
The funny thing was, those young guys were looking at him I believe in a manner that was a bit shocked I was with him. Visually we did not LOOK LIKE A COUPLE. We did NOT MATCH. Mr.PropertyInvestor was two inches shorter than me. I am 5ft 6 inches so 5ft 7 inches in low heels. He was about 5ft 6. He had narrower shoulders than me. I am a size 8. Yes he was very petite for a guy. So you can hazard a guess what his suit or chest size was too. I thought he looked like Dudley Moore- shape and height wise and did not mind at first. Bo Derek was with Dudley Moore for many years. She was taller then him. Wider than him. But I am bikini athlete and in the press as fitness spokesmodel Rachel Evans not actress Bo Derek. And Mr.PropertyInvestor is not Hollywood Multi-Millionaire funny man Dudley Moore.
The DealBreaker Moment
But alas, it eventually became a DEAL-BREAKER and got to me. Chip chip chipped away at me even though I tried to fight it.
Then I thought to myself after talking to my best male friend SS that it was OKAY TO HAVE DEALBREAKERS physically. If you are not feeling it, nor a 'a fit' there is nothing you can do about it.
Patti Stanger calls it "Let the Pecker do the talking" when referring to a guy's manhood which in her dating expert opinion usually guides his choice of woman to date.
So women can do it too hey. I was certainly doing it. If feels good. Brutal honesty WITH YOURSELF.
I guess oh, okay this is what guys are like with women on dates, when they say " her boobs are big, I like that" or " her boobs are nice an firm" or "not big enough" or even " I prefer a Beyonce butt".
And Mr.PropertyInvestor was older than me. I am 45 and look early 30's and with my body-confidence I can stand easily next to a 21 year old and compete. I have competed on stage next to 20-somethings and look good, and I have no apology for my high self-worth. I do not give a flying f-see-you-kay about what people think. If I did, I would not be in the press talking about it. I have lived with criticism for many many years, I am THICK SKINNED. I have worked my ass off HARD for my beautiful body-confidence success. I still do, hence why the press interview me still today in my early 40's.
Bearing in mind Mr.PropertyInvestor looks like a distinguished type of older man, late forties early 50's. My face is line-free thanks to my day job working with Cosmetic Doctors and the various beauty treatments and maintenance I have had over the years.
I look like I work out, I am after all a bikini athlete. I have toned muscles - upper and lower boody. Mr.PropertyInvestor does not attend a gym nor does he work out. Straight up straight down, no definition.
So I did think those younger guys were thinking "Are they TOGETHER?" IT WAS OBVIOUS. That's life sometimes you can't help but NOTICE people looking questioningly.
SHORT TEXTS MEAN NOTHING BUT SPEAK VOLUMES about the person you are dating.
Mr.PropertyInvestor had been texting me at intervals throughout the day every day and calling me every night that week and his texts were super-short and "Hi!" which made me think he is busy yes, but also he has no time.
Short texting can mean a fwe things. One that he is busy at work and not ablt to text. Two-That he is not good at texting and prefers phone call conversing. Three- that he is talking to other people OR number Four- HE IS ALREADY in a relationship. Or MARRIED. Who knows?
I knew that when it comes to dating someone YOU DO NOT KNOW I had to be alert and switched on at all times for the first 2-3 dates.
A guy will SHOW YOU WHO HE IS quickly if you are not PUTTING OUT. Yes that thing called Sex. If he does not get his wicked way with you early on you can SET THE PACE OF DATING AND GETTING TO KNOW HIM. On your terms not his
I VALUE my own sel-respect and even self-love, taking dating very slow, which can be hard for most people in this disposeable, instantaneous communication social-media prevalent society we live in. Thanks to the digital age and internet dating, social media and modern lifestyles, WE OFTEN GET A FALSE SENSE that we really KNOW SOMEBODY.
By not giving into getting intimate too early on, often a guy will show you who he is pretty quickly. The Players will not hang around.
A Player will wait and then pounce. Some players are so skilled and Oscar-winning actors to make you BELIEVE they are GENUINE. So when a guy says something which sets my ALARM BELLS RINGING I willl roll myeyes and then think, OKAY lets SEE. I have to give prospective dates a CHANCE I remember Patti Stanger's advice. Not all men are bad. Just a lot of them are. Funny.
A nice decent and GENUINE guy will protect his own virtues and TELL you he too does not want to rush in to get intimate.
Friendships forst is my style. If a guy does not like it he is HISTORY. BYE BYE. DELETE. And where necessary -BLOCKED. I will not be needing his number so why keep it?
THERE WAS NO THIRD DATE. ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST.
I had decided it was time to nip it in the bud, and to let Mr.Property Investor know that whilst I liked him and we got on great, it was more of a friend zone thing. The kiss he gave me on the Second Date was sweet and nice, but it was not enough to ignite the fireworks which gives your stomach butterfiles.
You see I learned on First Dates TV show, that I MUST BE HONEST about WHAT I WANT. I told a friend who said to me "Rachel it is ok to say to yourself, I like the guy but its not enough. To have a good base foundation for a True Love relationship, the key things HAVE TO BE THERE.
I am being honest no matter how uncomfortable it is FOR ME TO TELL A GUY I AM NOT FEELING IT. I hated telling Mr.PropertyInvestor that he was nice as a friend but that I was not feeling we were "a match". I had been talking to another guy on TINDER who had more in common with me. He was in the gym, Mr.Property Investor was not at all into fitness. That is a big thing as my fitness lifestyle is important. So sharing my fitness interests with Mr.Property Investor was not possible.
The Non-Negotiables of Dating.
Rachel's Dating Rules - in order to successfully date a guy, to lead to a healthy relationship, there must be LIFESTYLE INTERESTS WHICH YOU SHARE with a guy you are dating.
There must be things in common which you can SHARE. But there must be an EQUITABLE BALANCE to what you both BRING TO THE RELATIONSHIP.
There needs to be PHYSICAL attraction as well as MENTAL ATTRACTION. If something is nagging in YOUR HEAD about the person you are dating, then do LOOK AT IT and do NOT IGNORE IT. This is what dating experts call the INSTINCT of heart and head together.
The reason why I use this Dating Rule, is to IDENTIFY the weak points which are non-negotiable.
Do A Mental ReCap
I liked the conversations we had, and Mr.PropertyInvestor was intelligent with nice eyes. However the BIG THING which NAGGED AT ME when I went on the SECOND DATE was how petite he was. When he huggged me I could feel him rather tiny, and it felt like hugging a little brother. I knew this would affect the way I SAW HIM. I like a guy to have broad shoulders, Mr.PropertyInvestor had narrow shoulders and was shorter than me.
On the FIRST DATE this did not really bother me as I saw THROUGH his physical shape and was interested in him on a MENTAL LEVEL from the start.
By the SECOND DATE it mattered. I always notice how it is the SECOND DATE which is CRITICAL to SEE IF YOU REALLY LIKE THE GUY. To see if the magic chemistry is there. If it is not you have to call it a day and move on. But it is never that easy when one of the daters is more keen THAN THE OTHER.
By the Tuesday I had to be BRUTALLY HONEST WITH MYSELF. I did not want to hurt this guy's feelings nor did I want to go on a THIRD DATE. My mind was made up as I had PROMISED MYSELF to be honest, if I was not happy, not go on dates for the sake of it. I stopped being a PEOPLE PLEASER 3 years ago.
So by the Tuesday morning after the Saturday Nite Second Date we had, I had to text Mr.Property Investor and let him know. I could not face a third date for the sake of it. I did not like letting him down as he was keen. But I still was unsure if he was genuinely interested in me for me, not what I represent.
This is the part I FIND HARD to do. How DO you let a nice guy know you do not feel the chemistry or attraction is NOT RIGHT to continue dating, to go on a THIRD DATE?
BITE THE BULLET and DO BAND AID response.
It was not Wednesday morning and I had to confirm that my text the night before (Tuesday night) that I could not make it. I could not do a THIRD DATE.
I apologised that I could not make it, and told him that I felt a "connection which is more friends and I am not sure we are a match".
He came back with a questioning text which made me think "okay here we go. What DOES a guy NOT UNDERSTAND in what I just said?
I did not respond. When a guy cannot take the hint, a polite text saying that I saw him IN THE FRIEND ZONE what else am I meant to say.
If I were to answer the question he asked "what are you saying?" then I would have to be honest.
There was no OBLIGATION for me to tell him EXACTLY WHAT I FOUND UNATTRACTIVE ABOUT HIM.
That was not my place, it was not my style and anyway I had no duty to explain anything.
This is EXACTLY WHY I HATE DATING I thought. I tried not to let it put me off. JESUS. We had two dates and thats it. lets re-cap and analyse something here.
We had a First Date dinner -I do not drink alcohol so its not like I ordered Lobster Thermidore and champagne. The bill was modest and the SECOND DATE was a diet coke and orange juice.
Whilst I would NEVER call myself a cheap date, I think the guys like that I do not drink as the bill WOULD BE HIGH. If the guy insists I always allow the the guy to pay for the first date, then in later dates I offer to pay my share. And if I am seeing him, offer to go halves. But as you heard, the Second date did not involve any extortionate restaurant bill. In fact there was NO BILL AT ALL. JUST TWO DRINKS. A FEW QUID.
I had heard from male friends that some women use dating for a free meal. NOT ME. I do not eat out as I am on DIET PREP for most of the year. I need to be stage-ready at x-number of weeksout - in show shape- AND fitness model shape. If its a CHEAT MEAL its CLEAN like chicken and sweet potato. Which is the meal I ate on the First Date with Mr.PropertyInvestor.
I scrambled to think what next to say in response to his questioning text.
Frankly, it gave me a headache. So I did not respond. For a while. Silence is golden and I wanted him to RE-THINK his last text. It was not fair to ask me to explain WHY I SAW HIM IN THE FRIENDS ZONE.
Most people are not as polite and some just text or drag out the "I dont want to do another date with you" bit.
I could not do that. Its good to be positive and nice.
Sometimes staying silent for a few hours on texts is the best option. So I gave Mr.PropertyInvestor TIME TO PROCESS WHAT I WAS SAYING.
I DID NOT FEEL THE NEED TO SPELL IT OUT. Not my RESPONSIBILITY. We had 2 dates. Not an engagement. Its not like I called off he Wedding. Call me a bitch but I am OK with that. At least I DO NOT LEAD MEN ON. Thats not my style. I had to TRUST my Rachel's Rules, and the Band Aid effect would work. Let him down gently and politely.