Chapter 2 -The Good The Bad & The Ugly
Credits -Various PRESS INTERVIEWS above as mentioned below.
The Toxic Ex-Fiancé from Hell and why I Gave Up Resuscitating a Dead Relationship
I Walked Out On Mr. Businessman Ego and this was the best thing I ever did. With courage and no more fear, I walked out on a man who thought dangling the carrots of his success: his £30 million financial Company, a 1 carat diamond engagement ring and bullying me to stay with him despite the emotional and pysical pain he put me through, would make me stay with him.
What a sad member of the male species. Mr. Businessman Ego did not know me at all. A lesson he had to learn the hard way when I packed my Black Beetle Bug Barbie car tiny boot and back seat with all my worldly possessions mainly bedding, clothes and accessories that could fit in and drove off never to return. ( A Police Officer back then told me “one day soon, when he’s NOT THERE get your stuff and leave. Just go." So I did). It did not end there- he later admitted to hacking my emails and bugging my car to follow my whereabouts after I left him.
He Got Married To Someone Else - Just Three Months After He Proposed To Me
Mr.Businessman Ego got MARRIED just 3 months AFTER I walked out on him. Work it out. How odd. And this was just 3 months BEFORE that period when he had POPOSED ROMATICALLY to me on holiday in FLORENCE ITALY in a CHURCH. Without the ring, as that was in Hatton Garden jewellers, designed and finished ready for collection.
It does not add up.
I kind of knew (on a hunch) that he was cheating on me during the last half year of staying with him, I could not put my finger on it and a woman's instict is always right. I could not prove he was physically cheating but definately emotionally cheating and in contact with this other woman. All the time he swore he was loyal and faithful. But as the saying goes and as one male close friend reminded me at the time "he doth protest too much".
It is easy now to see how the CBT therapist's guidance came in handy when I had to work out and put the 'cheating puzzle' together. We were together 24/7 for over a year, work, gym, weekends. Towards the later stages of our relationship, around the time when he had designed and ordered the engagment ring, I knew somethng was not right. Like the times when he hid his phone, moved it from the kitchen table and was nervous when texts came through if I was with him.
Walking out and away from the ex-fiance Mr.Businessman Ego happened just before I was due to collect the engagment ring he had designed. It was so hard but I have NO REGRETS. I was just so relieved to be free from his toxicity and negative attitude towards me. Nothing I did was ever good enough. An engagement would have been like Polyfiller over the cracks and no diamond ring would be able to fix those cracks. So the engagement announcement never happened. I could not go through with it. Often he would try to get into my head saying "all this is yours" but I had supported myself since the age of 17. The fact that he offered and told me early on when we were together "I will support you if you stay at home and look after the house" was not attractive to me. So when I told him I am a grafter since I was 17 and support myself financially, I thought he would respect me and know I was with him for love and all the right reasons to be in a relationship. However, he did not like it. So he offered me a day job as his new Executive PA at his company. This supportive behaviour was just another way to try to control me I learned later with my CBT therapist.
Rewinding and looking back at that fateful dark night I walked out from him for good, turned my back on his lavish lifestyle, I was instantly jobless (I was his PA), homeless and broke. I did not care. I had to get out.
I drove my car round the corner into the local gym car park in Grays Essex and trying to breathe through the tears, and looking up at the midnight blue sky sparkling with stars. I cried. I sobbed. Bowed my head. The tears stung like acid down my screwed up crying and wincing in pain face. Broken hearted, and broken spirited I prayed to find a way to be safe.
Counting My Blessings
I rang two people -my son (who was safe at his dads) to let them know what happened. My lucky stars were shining down on me that fateful night. A friend who had a house in Kent had builders in and the spare room was offered to me. I took it willingly and suddenly my OCD germ phobia did not matter. I did not care about the dust and painters tools lying around the flat. No kitchen, just bedroom and shower. I was to make it home. My new home. As long as I had clean bed sheets and duvet and running water I was happy.
I grew up on a council estate in Crosby Merseyside, with my single mum, and two sisters and we were poor in money sense - yes- but not as people. I did not grow up with a father. It was tough. My single mum mother was stoical and taught us to make the most of whatever little we had. She taught me to make a mountain out of nothing. (A skill I still use to this day)
I tapped into this learning that night when heart shattered, my world, my relationship, my dreams came crashing down.
MY MUM (RIP) NEVER DID LIKE Mr.Businessman Ego after a Daily Mail interview I gave on 'SECOND-HAND' LOVE ON Dating Divorced Men, 2012 and he was asked for ONE sentence about me and OUR relationship, he told her he was wary of marraige, now he is a successful businessman. He never told me that. Funny.My mum was right.
I tell my friends it was the hardest thing to walk away from a toxic ex fiancé whom I loved but the love grew to hate. Then you learn was it really love? Or a mirage of something you attached to someone who didn’t even EXIST. (More of this on relationship pitfalls we tend to do in chapter 2).
Titanium Spine Grew From Pain
Walking out of the relationship & engagement strengthened my backbone into Titanium.
My new thinking was a 'Success Is the Best Revenge' Mind-set
It was a one year intense rollercoaster and what appeared mistakenly then to be heavenly relationship with Mr.Businessman Ego during the first six months was really Hell in Disguise.
Without going into too much murky detail, the man I fell in love with was a Jekyll and Hyde who showed his true colours probably around the 6 months mark when I tried then to leave him. It was my birthday and I woke up in the spare room. My heart was broken. I was emotionally and physically drained. Running on empty.
CBT Therapy Gave Me a Way Out
After months of his arguing every time I tried to discuss a subject his personality changes were too much.
I tried to get him to agree relationship counselling for his emotional and anger issues and I tried to give love to heal his pain.
His emotional issues I was told by a therapist I went to see CBT Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - to understand if there was something I was doing wrong. This male therapist put his note-books down after around the fourth weekly session and told me "Rachel -off the record- it's not you who needs counselling. YOU are intelligent. He is the one who needs help. It's a Jekyll and Hyde split personality."
(So I learned that Mr. Businessman Ego was not able to tell me his hurt and pain from his childhood in relation to something I know but cannot say regarding what a family member did for a living. I do recall Mr. Businessman Ego had told me he didn’t want to talk about it and said that “If anyone in the finance industry finds out it will destroy my business."
Love-Blind and Could Not See
I learned lessons from my CBT therapist so much, and that Mr.Businessman Ego brought emotional damage done by two previous relationships to our then relationship. I always stupidly believed what he told me, he was very charming and looked harmless as the bumbling little friendly boss he liked to portray himself as, looking after his "devoted" 110 employees. He told me amongst other things I will not repeat, that his ex-wife was a "malicious liar and gold digger and if she found out how much I am now worth she will take me to the cleaners"). Now I know better and do not believe anything he said about her, she must have gone through hell with him. And his ex-GF before me. I know also he had dated a "druggie stripper" after his first divorce and was paranoid should any of his work colleagues Directors find out, he told me. THe alarm bells SHOULD HAVE SOUNDED but they didn't. I was Love-Blind early 2012.
Passive Aggressive & Identifying The Signs
The CBT therapist was very helpful giving me understanding of how damaged this man I was in a relationship with was. I learned that my ex-fiancé Mr. Businessman Ego was a passive aggressive. One example the therapist gave me was when on the way home in the Range Rover he exploded in a rage and told me "...well 3 months ago you said this...." referring to some tiny argument we had. I can’t even recall there were so many.
Shell shocked I asked my ex-fiancé Mr. Businessman Ego what he was talking about. He went on to recount in tiny detail an argument and had never got over it. I was so shocked I couldn’t speak and an argument ensued leaving him threatening to crash the Range Rover, whilst we were in it.
His Jekyll and Hyde Personality
I was fast learning that he was a Jekyll and Hyde but wanted to show my love to him and try to help fix his pain from his previous two relationships. Big mistake. I advise friends of warning signs and tell them to get out. The CBT therapist told me in his words “Jekyll and Hyde personality coupled with emotional or physical abuse - it never gets better- just worse".
His words always haunted me but did help me make a conscious decision to walk out of this toxic relationship. The change in Mr.Businessman Ego's personality started showing itself, mainly around the 6 months mark of the relationship and the first four months were I then thought -Heavenly, all loved up.
But that Heaven turned into Hell again when I discovered that a few Chavvy type girls at his office where I worked as his PA were jealous and tried to flirt with him. Childish silly women I thought. I was confident in myself, my looks and also as a successful published journalist and media personality doing international interviews on fitness and beauty. I had all that under my belt. From hard work and of course my own self-belief.
Those women at his office were not a threat to me. Until, my ex-fiancé Mr. Businessman Ego tried to use these women to make me feel insecure. The CBT Therapist told me this is the first steps an insecure man uses, to destabilise the women he is with, make her feel insecure so he can then take steps to control and often abuse follows.
Taking Responsibility For My Own Personal Growth
Sadly, Mr. Businessman Ego was in denial about his own shortcomings it seemed, whereas I always sought therapy ( I am very American like in that way) I like to take responsibilty for my own weknesses.
However hard I tried, Mr. Businessman Ego said no to relationship counselling and kept prodding and poking, effectively bullying me "It’s YOU who needs fixing therapy not me!" And he added "People like me - a successful £30million financial company owner does not 'do' therapy."
The Last Straw
The last straw came after I sought help from a CBT counsellor was when Mr.Businessman Ego got physical. One evening when I told him it was over and I had tried for months to help his anger issues, he turned on me and spat in my face. Twice. His eyes were again glazed over like he was possessed by demons.
So when he spat in my face that day, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Humiliated I made steps to get out. It was hard. Sometimes the emotional scars are raw, harder to deal with than physical scars or bruises. Harder than the black eye. No-one can see them.
His Dark & Sinister Nature
There was something sinister about certain stories he told me during our relationship. I often wondered if the stories he told me about his teenage years at school, messing with the Ouija board, its predictions which came true and friends having car accidents or deaths was linked with his Mr.Businessman Ego split personality. I will keep private what happened to TWO of his closest friends who died during the year 2012 to 2013 I was in relationship with Mr.Businessman Ego. One who was high up in his company died in his sleep only in his early 40's. The other sporty male friend committed suicide. And on two occasions, after stormy arguments when I was about to leave him, Mr.Businessman Ego looked at me, eyes haunted and told me " If you go now you will have a car accident involving a lorry on the motorway. Please do not go!" It freaked me out and so I of couse, looked in his glazed and haunted eyes and walked back into the house. Scared. I felt trapped.
The Occult Influence on Mr.Businessman Ego.
Just a few weeks before I walked out on Mr.Businessman Ego, he decided to seek a Psychic medium's advice. He suggested I did too. I was thinking to myself why? I was already in private CBT therapy and it was helping me think straight. I think Mr.Businessman Ego was actually doing it for himself, not for the surival of our own relationship. I NEVER liked to dabble in any occult practices nor did I like to seek guidance from a Psychic. So I relented on his insistence and during a double session we both talked openly to the Psychic and she found out he was physically agressive towards me. He admitted it under pressure from her "tell me the truth, because if you do not, remember I can SEE it and KNOW the truth anyway."
Another instance was some weeks before he had a bad migraine and I sat on the bed stroking his back. He turned around and grabbed my head pushing it down and smashed my face into my laptop giving me a black eye (I still have those photos). On another occasion he tried to drag me down the staircase by my legs. I hung onto my life holding onto one of the wooden staircase bannister rods. It came loose and I recall thinking "if this breaks I’m falling down that stairs". I was scared for my life.
Trying To Get Out
That’s when you add all the bad times up and try to tell yourself "GET OUT” before it's too late.
It’s a bit of a blur and I just recall managing to get out of his grasp, shaking my legs free he was pulling on, and I ran up the next stairs away from him. He shouted at the bottom of the stairs and yelled up, his eyes glazed over.
When gasping for breath I heard my mobile phone ring in my trouser pocket or jacket I cannot recall. It was a dear friend who somehow just knew! I told him put the phone down as I was being attacked by Mr. Businessman Ego. But at least someone knew what I was going through in case the worst happened and my life was in danger.
That night I tried to leave and packed suitcases and tried to calmly tell Mr. Businessman Ego that everything was ok but that we were not for each other. And that I said I would go quietly and let him meet someone else. It felt like what I can only describe as negotiating a hostage situation. I was hostage to his split personality and could not easily wrangle myself out of situations.
Every time the cycle of anger, aggressive behaviour, ambushing me and post-attack regret was like Groundhog Day. I would try to pack and leave. He would talk me round and his Hyde personality would come out. That’s the worst thing about living with a guy who has Jekyll and Hyde split personality. You don’t know which one is going to come out. Or which one he really is.
On many occasions I tried to leave him. But the break up proper did not happen until a while after this episode and there were countless instances similar in between.
Chapter 2 -part 2.
The First Date with Mr.Businessman Ego
The first date with Mr.Businessman Ego was not that impressive. And looking back I should have LISTENED TO MY INSTINCTS from day one.
LESSONS I LEARNED coming out of a Toxic Relationship and recovering from the break-up left me throwing myself back into work, gruelling 5-6 days a week weights and cardio training as a bikni athlete and I vowed to never date again. A male platonic friend who knew both of us as a couple took me under his wing and introduced me to an athlete coach. I trained hard and fast. In a short time I was bikini-ready for my first competition. I won a title Bikini Diva Champion 2013 at my fourth competition that year. I stepped on stage proud holding up the trophy.
I had realised a dream I had FIVE YEARS BEFORE I met Mr.Businessman Ego and my thoughts on stage were "fxxxk You!" to him. I WAS NOT A "DELUSIONAL LOSER" as he had told me before I left him. When I came off stage I was emotipnally drained and on such a high. I had self-validated who I was.
I was hungry to prove to MYSELF that I was not a "delusional loser " like my ex-fiance Mr.Businessman Ego kept telling me in the last few months of our relationship before I walked out. My confidence had to be rebuilt. My self-esteem was shattered. But deep down I NEVER LOST MY FAITH ON MYSELF. I always was blessed with a VISION of whom I am, and who I am meant to be.
I PUT Mr.Businessman Ego into The Graveyard of History
My priority and focus was to heal the pain and allow the emotional scars to heal. I took the advice of the CBT Therapist who had helped me extracate myself finally from the toxic relationship.
I did not want to think about the break up. So I blocked as much memories as possible out. I tried to compartmentalise those bad and ugly memories into a memory bank mental album, what I was to label The Graveyard of History.
There were flashbacks- nightmares, night sweats where I woke up trying to breathe. The lessons I learned were never to be repeated again. On a daily basis I would fervently say mantras to help me through the love-split recovery. No more second time round mistakes. My mind was different now. I thought dating was so unattractive and off-limits. The mere thought of a new relationship was a horror back then to me.
How wrong could I have been to choose a man who from day one was so wrong for me.
My First Date impressions of Mr. Businessman Ego was that his face was odd and his nose like a hook, and his yellow fang like teeth and really bad breath. This is the honest first date impression I recall thinking as I drove home from the Bluewater Cinema movie date. So why did I date him. One thing- he had a son the same age as my son and he also held my hand as we walked to the movie date. I recall thinking "ooh he is so gentle!". How wrong was I.
Before I was able to think about dating again I had to sort myself out and did so quickly by blocking things out. Not in denial. Just thinking about the now. The moments in front of me were valuable as I vowed to create new memories and Kodak moments of my own. As a single mum, to my beautiful teenage son; as a bikini athlete- which my ex-fiance tried to stop me from accomplishing; as a valued co-worker in my day job at a Cosmetic Medical Clinic; as a respected Lifestyle Journalist; as a credible public figure and fitness & beauty spokesmodel.
All these hats I was wearing meant that I did not have to think about the failed engagment, the hell I endured with with Mr.Businessman Ego.
One big lesson I learned was to trust my first impressions of a guy.
To this day people thought we were visually the odd couple. People told me "why are you with this guy? He’s quite ugly face!" and I said no it’s his heart which is good". Wrong again. I can now spot the signs of non-authentic fake guys. But you know, some guys -well they really are good Oscar winning actors and can fool the most intelligent of people. And listening to my friends and other peoples relationship stories, its not just men who are like this. Women too. Its not a sex thing, its more a set of a personality traits, weaknesses which need working on in a person. I count my lucky stars that I had the COURAGE to get out. But I always found a way to LISTEN to professional advice when my heart and head was telling me "do not go, stay and work things out". There are some things and issues which were so damaged, and beyone repair on his side of the relationship. I always sought therapy if I had issues to deal with so I could GROW and MOVE ON.
But he was stuck in a comfort zone which was unhealthy for our relationship.
We Create The EXISTENCE of someone who DOES NOT EXIST
I know one thing. Often we devote our hearts in a relationship, give our love to a person we THINK exists. When later you learn down the line, that person did NOT exist but we CREATED that person on our own minds as we hung onto this romantic notion called LOVE.
Love does silly things to people, it can be magic but sadly often it can be hell.
My CBT Therapist guided me and helped me ask MY OWN QUESTIONS so I could SEE the truth.
The truth was that I had in fact, created and EXISTENCE of a man into being by my own thoughts, HE DID NOT EXIST IN REAL LIFE.
And so all that year -I was with my ex-fiancé -I had IMAGINED him to be a good person. When all the time, in fact, he was telling me from day ONE WHOM HE REALLY WAS.
On a lighter note I am only devoting two chapters to my Dating book on lessons and the stories when I was with the ex -fiancé Mr. Businessman Ego. It’s not about him more but on how I learned to recognise the warning signs of being in a Toxic Relationship. The main book Chapters 3-10 will be light-hearted, funny, sad, dark, shady, LOL moments and cringing First Date moments I went on with different guys. Basically ridiculous dating disasters I have had over the years. Or dates that could have been but never made it past the texting and phone calls.
I hope you can understand this is me opening myself up, warts and all. People WILL relate to my experiences. And if I make you laugh along the way-even better.
Onwards and Upwards!
Love and hugs for now
Copyright 2015 Rachel Evans Make Over Essex
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